A few weekends ago, I pretty much hibernated. I bought food on the way home from work on Wednesday afternoon, and didn’t step back outside until Saturday, to go to work.
Before you panic for my well-being this isn’t super unusual for me. Often I can get carried away working on something, and become utterly consumed by it. Taking break, only to sleep and eat. Lately, this has been working my way through my Skillcrush Web Designer blueprint and coding up my portfolio site!
But this weekend, wasn’t a productive lock in, it was more of a Netflix and Chill. Except not the enjoyable kind, because I felt guilty the whole time for not working. For not doing anything productive that could help towards improving my life in any way, shape or form. Sure I started some new series’ – (wait, what is the plural of series? serieses? seri-i? I know nothing). But regardless, despite my enjoying them, I don’t know that they’ve illuminated my life or my mind-set in anyway.
In tandem to beating myself up for not doing anything, I was also washed over with a wave of maudlin, which happens sometimes. I have been known to spend significant time, regretting decisions I’ve made in the distant and more recent past, lamenting about where I find myself in my life in general, and of course, the good old classic, comparing myself to others.
I know, I know that the latter is a mahoosive no no, but I can’t help from drift there from time to time when I’m feeling down and out. And often, my little inner voice can see and feel how ridiculous I’m being, and tries to voice this, but sulky outer me is having none of it. Once I’ve sunk that deep it can take a little while to resurface.
Now I also know, everyone has down days, but this whole thing mostly annoys me because it’s an actual pattern. Everything will be good, or fine, then I’ll retreat into a hole, and be all doom and gloom for a while, until I remember I’m not the bad, and that life is too short and precious to be moping. Then I eventually pull my finger out, put some eyeliner on, and get on again.
But I wish this process didn’t have to take days every time. It’s like I forget that I’ve been down this exact wrong road before, but continue to drive along it for miles, before deciding to do a U-turn and head back in the right direction.
I know first-hand how much more enjoyable everything is (work, life, getting up in the morning) when I have a positive attitude and I am just focusing on myself. Trying to better only myself and no one else. It feels so damn good! But working in social media, and having such a red eye, I can often lose focus from this attitude as I am on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram at least 8 hours a day, bombarded with images of people with seemingly everything, who appear to be getting younger and younger.
Nathan Zed says it exponentially better in his latest video. When I watched, I couldn’t believe that there were so many others that also felt this pressure to achieve great things, or at least, know your purpose, by my age. I look around at where I am now, and ask myself ‘what do you know now, that you didn’t several years ago?’ ‘What improvements have you made in yourself, in your plans, in your goals?’
Those three things have honestly been quite static, but that is partially why I started this blog, to get these thoughts out and hopefully be able to see my progression.
I started out this year with such high hopes, and all of these goals of things I was going to do and in some ways I’m doing well in some areas, but really lacking in others.
This post is to help me keep perspective, if ever a maudlin wave tries to sweep me away in the near future. Charlotte, you have things you can do, so do them! And if you don’t want to, enjoy your show and stop beating yourself up.
Thank you, and goodbye!